“…No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there will be
No more turning away?”
I’ve known my whole life that one day, some day out there in the future, I would write a book, a novel, a memoir or some form of words on a page that would be my story. I’ve been listening, recording and mentally documenting this life. My mom must have felt me doing this when I was a child, though I never told her. I remember she would often say to me, “I just know you’re going to grow up one day and write a ‘tell all’ book about me!” She’d say it with great disdain. As if what happened at 5706 West Cliff Cv. should remain there and go no further. The South, as they say, knows how to keep each others secrets. And, for me to even hint at this kind of treason was truly unthinkable. So I kept quiet; very, very quiet. But, I think my mother knew in the way all mothers know their children that I was watching, listening and recording my childhood for some sort of future documentation. I was the “record keeper” of our family. I find that each family has one. And, as I’ve seen in so many of my clients and friends over the years, being the family record keeper can be quite a burdensome task. In Native American folklore, it is said that the whales are the record keepers of our Earth. I’ve always loved the image of the massive whales, circling the waters of our globe, holding all our information for the entire planet.
But whales have always seemed a bit lonely to me. They’re so far out there, swimming around in the big, endless oceans. I know some people, myself at times as well, who feel this way. Holding information and energy for others is a heavy thing to do. When we hold onto something for someone else, like feelings the other person cannot feel or memories they simply cannot digest, we are, in essence, acting like an energetic storage unit. We place the other person’s emotions or information inside of us, often times replacing what we feel or know to be true for our own lives with their undigested energy. Most of us learn this behavior in early childhood. We begin to see our mom or dad or our brothers or sisters suffering. As children, we feel our survival depends on these integral figures in our lives finding happiness so we can be safe. So we do what we can to ensure our safety; we energetically “hold” what we can for them. Most of this is subconscious and it isn’t until years later that we might begin to discover this pattern. That’s when things can get sticky. Changing long-lived patterns with loved ones who we’ve known and who have known us our entire lives is no easy task. Lately I’ve been challenged with the task of ‘letting go’ of any and all energy, beliefs and patterns that are not mine in present time. Unlike the whales, I’m no longer able to carry other people’s records or energy. I’m no longer able to orbit my world holding on to old patterns and energies and ways of being. Surfacing and diving with all of this extra cargo is simply not an option for me any longer. And as my spirit guides me to “let go” of all that no longer serves me I have one question that continually pops up and into my conscious mind. It’s a child’s voice really. It’s simple and clear and very, very worried. When prompted to allow others to have the emotions that belong to them, I hear a voice inside me say, “But will they be O.K.?”
My mom was very depressed and unhappy. Unfortunately for her, she turned to alcohol quite often as a way of exiting her pain. I was a sensitive child and began to hold on to her pain as best I could from a very early age. I remember following her around the house, asking her if she was o.k. I’d wait outside her bedroom door, sometimes for hours, until she came out, just to make sure she was still alive. It must have been so hard for my mother to have a child like me following her around, witnessing the very pain she was trying to escape. As a young adult, I used to blame her for a lot of my suffering. I used to feel like she really screwed me up! Now I know that is simply not, nor has it ever been, the case. Mom and I had quite the karmic contract for sure. I learned so much from her. And to this day, 4 years after her death, I continue to learn. Her pain was never my pain. I was like a swiss bank, very discretely holding all her secrets and pain for her until such a time as she could reclaim them. I’ve found that after her death, my mother’s spirit has been much more willing to reclaim her “files” of pain and patterning from this life.
But whether or not my mother wants all of what I’ve held for her back or not, I can still release it. I think that this is the best part. Most of us are like that little child I spoke of earlier. We don't want to hold on to other people’s suffering anymore but we’re still afraid to give it back. After all, what will happen to them? Will they fall apart under the weight of all that pain? Will they hate us for making their life harder? I think one of the hardest things in life to do is to let someone you love have their own suffering. But, until you do this, until you let your loved ones have all that truly belongs to them, they cannot heal. So, in this way, sitting beside someone you care for and allowing them to have their pain and darkness is one of the most loving things you could ever do for them.
Do you hold energy for someone in your life?
Why do you feel you have to do this?
Can you commit to looking at this pattern and transforming it?
Watch out for old mental tapes that tell you you have to continue this pattern with another person in your life. Look for any sabotage voices you may have preventing you from moving forward in this way. I have one playing now, as I write this newsletter. It’s saying, “Angie, why are you being so serious? It’s the holidays, write about something nice!” Yes, the nice voice had stopped me from releasing other people’s energy many, many times. But if it helps, I don’t feel sad while writing this. I feel quite free actually. I think we can all be free when we allow ourselves to fully and wholly embody our true selves. No more turning away….I am envisioning a world where all of us can quietly and consciously sit beside one another and hold space for our pain, our sorrow, our joy and our love. I’ve always felt that True love is simply witnessing another.
Can you witness yourself and update any “holding” for others you may be doing?
Can you allow others in your life to have their pain without turning away from them?
Can you witness the dark and the light in yourself and in others with love?
I’m game, let’s go! After all, we can’t all update until we all update :):)
May your holidays be filled with compassion and may all beings benefit!